it all started with this seven days ultimatum
my body started to get very very hot…i was getting high fever
and continuously sweating…moaning in high fever in my sleep
the next day the body started to get ice cold
to shiver and shiver…my teeth chattering
it was all strange
one day intense heat…another day intense cold
perhaps i had pushed too much
so i let go and dropped pushing as i would only get sick this way61
something in my body started to break down
i was feeling a transparent vapour surrounding me
cool and nourishing…like a silent guide
the intensity and focus made my bodymind obedient to my wishes
supporting my every wish and desire
i had released a genie from the bottle
sitting still…just sitting still
i began to realise that the air outside was not empty
it was thick with energy enveloping and gripping me from the outside
and that there was some energy thick and gripping me from the inside
perhaps if they were to meet…the inner and outer were to become one
so i become absolutely still
and focus on stillness
breathing in…breathing out
i began to focus only on the gaps
in breath gap…out breath gap
this gap was my new focus
there start to come moments where i would forget to breathe in or out
long pauses in the gap began to appear
and a sudden feeling that i was falling into something
just slipping into some sort of tunnel in the gaps
it was extremely scary as i realised for the first time
i was in a very complex focal point in between the breath on the gap
several times the fear of the breath stopping drew me into a blackout
and i could hear a tunnelling sound as if being sucked into a vacuum
it was scary but still very exciting
as my stillness became more and more compressed
i also began to experience an expansion of the stillness
new experiences began to surface
my body started to smell of jasmine
the scent was so overpowering that it began to intoxicate me
and my eyelids became heavier and heavier
the intoxication extremely heavy and thick
i was moving into a trance like state
heavy sleep surrounding me62
i was losing my mental grip on my daily controlled routine
this intoxication was simply overpowering
i was blissed out and let go
no more routine
just go with this trance and let it take over
the experience of sound became strange
it was almost as if sound came from everywhere
and i was sitting inside it…like ripples all moving in circles…around me
the more i experienced this the more i became aware of my silences
it was becoming deafening…the ripples around me
the silences deepened
i was being drowned into a sound of a hum
humming like millions of bees in my head
sometimes it was too loud…unbearable
but it was out of my control
my touch began to expand
the rock i sat on felt almost like feathers
i could feel my hands were alive with a feather like touch
i am now always looking upwards
the spot between my eyebrows was in a hypnotic state
a drill like force pressing into it gripping my forehead like a bench vice
i could not look down
my eyes always looking up to the sky
as if waiting for something to appear in front of me
while my inner senses started reaching outwards
i could feel that they were also moving inwards…a merger
inside to outside and outside to inside
sensitivity grew…there were no more walls
i was vaporising
my body starts expanding and stretching like a balloon
i feel the currents in the air merging with me
from nowhere and everywhere
from the sky, the earth, the grass, the trees, the rocks, the air
all becoming animate and everything started to pour into me
my body has disappeared
i was completely transparent and vulnerable6
layers and layers suddenly start opening in front of me
i am trying hard to manage and control these experiences
a multitude of experiences all pouring down into me
i need to go to the toilet…i feel a huge let go of my bowels
everything had flushed out of me
my body seemed to be preparing for something
every pore of the skin starts to ooze something out of the body
it is thick like honey flowing out of the entire skin
i become sticky…the body feels creamy…and soft like a baby
i experience a tall kundalini like opening
a fast torrent of vertical movement into the sky
my head starts to suddenly gain pressure…suddenly drop pressure
the push inside my skull is very painful
and i begin to cry within myself
and wish all this would somehow stop
it was too much…someone please stop this…i was exploding
it has started to rain
my breathing becoming more clear and open
my entire body is porous and breathing
i am becoming a breath myself
i find an umbrella…it does not remain over my head
but is swung violently to the right
i try again to bring it above my head…it is swung to the left
i cannot keep the umbrella above me
i let it go…the rain is coming down
strangely i see the rain parting above me…the rain is not falling on me
the force of this vertical torrent is dividing the rainfall
i am walking as if in a magical dream
the trees and greenery have become psychedelic
the air is becoming full of lights and brilliant
colours dancing like rainbows with the rain drops
everything i see is becoming more and more bright
with different colours emanating in each direction
every moment is alive with the newness of change
but too much for my sensory experience to absorb
the stream is too fast
this was all too much…too sudden64
for the first time i see something large and black looming above me
in reality i was becoming very afraid
i rush to the ashram for guidance
and request swami swabhav to be allowed to stay inside for a few days
the place was getting prepared for the july celebrations
people attending could pay for accommodation inside the ashram
my requested was not granted
with the answer that they always warned me i would go mad
that i never listened to anyone
now find out for yourself
i go to swami maitreya who just smiles and says
he does not know what to do and to ask swami narendra who knows
swami narendra sees my condition
does not want to deal with me in any way but gently and lovingly advises
me to cover my head and eat food to get grounded
i thank him and follow his advice
i had not eaten in the last days
and the food in the ashram brings me down
and i cover my head with a handkerchief
sannyasins look at me in strange ways
my eyes look very strange and drunk
whoever looks at me is fixed into my eyes
my third eye has become active
one sannyasin follows me asking me if he could do anything for me
bring me anything…anything please
his eyes are fixed…he is in a trance…locked into my space
i try lovingly to release him from this connection
people are watching him follow me so reverently
they start to gossip
i feel i can now manage to return to sunderban
the road is dark…i cannot feel the earth any more
i place my footsteps into dark holes of nothingness
i must just keep my balance
i feel my left side fall away…the right side fall away
a tall vertical beam of light is my guide
an open tunnel
the kundalini has uncoiled and i feel tall a hundred metres into the sky
over the trees of the ashram
nothing seems to stop these experiences now
i cannot even enter the hotel…i feel crushed when i enter the corridor
i can sense its entire pathway
even sense the open window in the distance
my body glides exactly in the centre of the corridor
turns left exactly on the turn…all on its own
i realise that i am being centred by some force
that some new perfection is being experienced
if i move my right hand the left follows in harmony
right step moves the left
every upward motion balances the lower motion
forward the back
i am pure perfection
pure grace in motion
grace has a new divine revelation
the head covered temporary settles the piercing in my skull
but the food brings a new rush of energy again
the head exploding into the night
the night of struggle is endless
i remember it is about 8 pm
from one dimension i am in total bliss
and another i am in sheer panic
so much is happening…i cannot go inside the hotel66
tonight i will be in the courtyard under the lemon tree
tired and exhausted from all these sudden changes
i sit under the tree and look upwards
the mysterious black hole that was floating above me
is now hovering a few feet above
the strong jasmine is overpowering me
i am totally exhausted from all this stimulus
i feel the black envelope me
and i fall fall fall fall
endlessly fall
into a black pit
a black hole
it must have lasted hours
but i am soon awakened
i can see
from the inside
that i have fallen into something
the fall still continues
but gentle and relaxed
like a soft feather descending
through a tunnel
i am seeing a new universe
all is light
lines of vertical experiences flash by me
i can see my past lives rush before me
in an instant
in seconds
somehow i can feel see and recall everything
compressed and intensely
everything becomes six dimensional

i see touch feel experience all at once
all alive as if it were the real world
and the real world only imaginary
i see my life with buddha
my life as a tibetan lama
visions stretch before this seeing eye
i see my body re living these memories
moving and releasing
softly into these experiences
i see my body moaning and moving gently withinwards
the muscles relaxing
untying the locks of all these lives
endlessly these images continue
animal lives
last thing i remember
swimming as a fish

in the ocean
it seems an eternity has passed